Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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