I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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