I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
