Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
