when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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