I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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