On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
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Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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