Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
