Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
