Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
