READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
