I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
