Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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