i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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