getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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