Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
