The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
