dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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