He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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