He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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