I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
