i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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