3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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