I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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