being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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