He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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