As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
