upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
