Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
