Redeem this text for a blowjob
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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