Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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