yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
