I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
