I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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