Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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