I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
