I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
