apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
