Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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