I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
