just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
