My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
