You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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