Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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