so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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