new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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