but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
