Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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