I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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