My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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