I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
