I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
