you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
