I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
