you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
