So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
