census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
