I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
