So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
