I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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