He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
