And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
