Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
